Purposely Pursuing or Privately Provoking?

Posted: March 12, 2012 by Kara in marriage

That’s a lot of “p’s” I know. But I was thinking are we purposely pursuing our mates? In other words are we intentionally chasing our mates? As a child it was so much fun to be chased! I don’t think that changes as we grow older. We still want to be chased or pursued; it lets us know they think we are something special and worth chasing. We all need to be wanted, especially by our spouses.

Or are we privately provoking?  Are you doing things to aggravate your spouse? Are you privately doing things that you know angers them? You don’t see much action on their part in your marriage so you feel some action is better than no action. Maybe you think you will at least get their attention and force them to see you do need them.

Sometimes we feel alone and we know the things to do that will annoy them. We want their attention! We love our spouse and we just want their love in return. We feel unloved, unappreciated. And if we can’t get the love we want then we are going to get their attention some way or another. We know the buttons to press but those buttons don’t always work correctly. They often create more distance and less intimacy.

We seem to think we are helping. We think that our spouse can read our heart and they will see that we are reaching out to them. It’s a messed up way to be thinking I would say, but it happens every day in someone’s marriage.

It doesn’t work out and it ends up putting a big wedge between husband and wife. And that wedge continues to grow bigger and bigger. It adds one problem to another problem.

We want to be wanted, appreciated, chased and caught by our spouse. We want them to want to spend time with us.

When we run this cycle in our marriages it creates silence and we end up in a marriage of just making it work. Just day by day for the kids, for anything, hoping for a change one day. It saddens me really to think of how many marriages are out there just trying to make it day by day, how lonely they both are.

We end up saying prayers for God to change our marriages but there is not much hope in those prayers. We just start adjusting, start accepting that this is just the way it is and will always be. Some end in divorce but I believe there are a lot just trying to make it work.

Purposely pursuing your spouse will change a mundane marriage to a great marriage. It will bring so much you thought was lost in your marriage, friendship, hope! It will allow you to lay aside your selfish desires and replace them with loving action toward your spouse.

Do you know your spouse? Do you know what their love language is? Have you recently sat down, had a heart to heart to find out what is creating such distance in your relationship? Have you asked, what is it that I can change to show you I love you?

Do you know what their fears are? Do you know their dreams? Do you know the secret heartaches that they carry around each day?  Do you know what brings them excitement?

Start studying one another. Start enjoying each other’s hobbies together or find a hobby you can do together.

Tell them the reasons you appreciate them not just that you appreciate them. Tell them the reasons you love them. List them out!

Touch them, hold them, and look into their eyes! Find that common bond again, it’s there, it’s just hiding! Go find it!


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